Issue 1 

Sherlock goes camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

Sherlock: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Sherlock: “You’re missing the point you idiot, some bastard’s stolen our tent.”

Dirty talk

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman it’s considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

So considerate

I bumped into an old friend in a bar recently who I hadn’t seen for more than five years.

Remembering that I’d told my wife that I’d be home early, I thought it best that I send her a text message to let her know where I am.

The text read,

“I’ve bumped into an old friend down the pub, I’ll be home in an hour. If I’m not home in an hour, please read this message again!”

It’s not in there you idiot, I’m lying on it!

A short one

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

Not very neighbourly

My next door neighbour knocked on my door at about three o’clock this morning – can you believe that, 3 am?! Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

The helpful mermaid

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman notices the guy’s head is the size of a snooker ball and says, “Don’t mind me asking, sir, but what happened?”

The old guy tells him, “My ship was torpedoed during the Second World War and it sunk. After a few minutes in the water a mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes.

For my first wish, I asked her to get me back home.

My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need.

Finally, having been at sea for weeks and feeling a little horny, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.”

“Wow, you lucky devil,” says the barman, “then what happened?”

“Well,” the man says rather tearfully, “mermaids can’t have sex, so I asked her if she could just give me a little head.”

Fast drinker

A guy walks into a bar, orders ten shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The barman asks him, “Why are you drinking them so fast?”
The guy says, “You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I’ve got.”
The barman asks, “Why, what have you got?”
The guy says, “Two pounds fifty!”

Pantomime season

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night –
to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Church Notices

The following notices actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married in this church on October 24th. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 6 pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet every Thursday at 7.30 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

The Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday – “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

Video Corner

A match made in Heaven!

A novel way to tell the time!

That’s all folks! Lots more coming soon.


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