Sample Jokes

On this page you will find a short selection of jokes and general humour etc. typical of what you will receive each week when you become a member. Please note that the humour is designed for adults only and, in some cases, it is not really suitable for minors.

It is not our intention to offend anyone with the following content or that which we send out, but we realize that some people are easily offended and take pleasure in complaining for the slightest reason. If this sounds like you or if you are offended by any of the humour below, we really don’t want you to join as Jokers Network is probably not for you.

A Small Selection – Enjoy!

The Jokers Network secretary hard at work

Wake up call

I was awoken at about six o’clock this morning when I heard a noise in front of my house. I looked out of the bedroom window and saw two men stealing my gate. I decided not to say anything in case they took a fence!

Blackpool here I come

A good friend of mine from north Wales went to Blackpool for the weekend looking for a good time and perhaps some romance. On his first night he was in a trendy pub where he chatted up a very sexy young lady who agreed to go back to his hotel with him.
As they got a bit more amorous, the lady asked him, “Why have you got Ludo tattooed on your penis?” He replied, “Keep rubbing it gal, it says Llandudno!

Disappointing

I was on holiday in Africa last year and saw a sign for a zoo. Knowing what exotic animals Africa was famous for I thought I must check it out. To my huge disappointment there were no lions or tigers or elephants or giraffes – all they had was one little dog. It was a shihtzu.

Cowboy Pete

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a beer. When the barman served him, the cowboy asked, “It’s real quiet in here today, where is everybody?”

The barman replied, “Most people have gone to the hanging.”
“Who are they hanging?”
“Brown Paper Pete,” the barman replied.
“That’s a funny name, why do they call him that?” the cowboy asked.
The barman replies, “It’s cos he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper jacket, a brown paper shirt and brown paper trousers.”
“Strange guy, “said the cowboy. “Why are they hanging him?”
“Rustling,” said the barman.

A few one liners

A sexy lady walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre …. so the barman gave her one!
I only drink to relax. Last week I got so relaxed that my friends had to carry me home.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s so small, you couldn’t swing a cat in there!
Are “Exit” signs on the way out?
I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy!
Everyone seems to be on a diet these days. I’ve been on the whisky diet and lost three days last week!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Differences

What’s the difference between a hole in the road and your local politician? You’d swerve to avoid the hole.
What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can’t hear a vitamin.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?   About 20 kilograms.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?   About 20 minutes.
What’s the difference between medium and rare?   Six inches is medium, ten inches is rare.
What’s the difference between “ooooooh” and “aaaaaaah”?  About three inches.
What’s the difference between a politician and God? God doesn’t think he’s a politician.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and
sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Drop the dead Donkey!

A young lad buys a donkey for £100, but when the farmer delivers it, the donkey is dead and
the farmer has spent the money. “I’ll take it anyway and raffle it off,” says the boy.
“You can’t raffle a dead donkey,” says the farmer.

“Yes I can,” says the boy, “I just won’t tell them it’s dead.”
A month later the farmer meets the boy at a market and asked him what happened with the
raffle.
“I sold 500 tickets at £2 a ticket and made £900 profit!” said the lad with a big grin on his face.
“Didn’t anyone complain?” asks the farmer.
“Yes,” the kid replies, “the guy who won ….. so I gave him his £2 back”.
The kid is now an estate agent and doing really well!

Hair raising

I was at a quiz last week and I had all the questions right until the very last one.
The question was, “Where do women have the blackest and curliest hair?”
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

Did I really say that?!

I was walking down the road the other day when I came across about a hundred people running towards me. I asked one of them, “Why is everyone running?” He informed me that a lion had escaped from the zoo. “Which way did it go?” I asked worriedly. “He replied sharply,
“You don’t think we’re chasing it, do you?” (Silly me!).

Words of Wisdom

With so much trouble in the world today in the name of religion, all I can say is thank God I’m an atheist!
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Learn from your parents mistakes, don’t have kids.
Don’t spoil your children, keep them in the fridge.
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Never buy a car you can’t push!
Don’t fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Time for a short?

Dave went into his local pub where they were having a talent night. When it was his turn to entertain, he opened his little case and took out a tiny piano and a little guy who could have been no more than a foot tall who promptly started to play it. He was absolutely brilliant and had the audience spellbound for almost 20 minutes.

When he finished Dave put the piano and the little man back in the case and was about to leave when the barman asked him where he got the little man from. Dave said, “Well, about six months ago I helped an old lady to cross the street and when she was safely across, she thanked me for my help. She then told me that she was a witch and could grant me one wish, but sadly she was a bit deaf and I ended up with this twelve inch pianist!”

Sherlock Sheep

The devout farmer lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out in the fields. A week later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The farmer couldn’t believe his eyes as he took the precious book out of the sheep’s mouth and as he raised his eyes towards heaven, he shouted, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the sheep. “Your name is written inside the front cover.”

Stupid Bar Steward!

A penguin walks into a pub and asks the barman, “Have you seen my brother?”
The barman replies, “I don’t know, what does he look like?”

Tactless!

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on holiday for a week. When he came back he called his brother to arrange to pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, and then said, “I’m so sorry, but while you were away the cat died.”

The man was very upset and yelled, “You know, you could have broken the news to me a little more gently. You could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working
on him. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.” The brother thought about it and apologised.

“So how’s Mum?” asked the man. “She’s on the roof and won’t come down!”

A Selection of Bumper Stickers

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it Mafia staff car
Make love not war – see driver for details
If you can read this, I’ve lost my caravan
Horn broken, watch for finger
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
Illiterate? Call this number for help
This car is protected by an anti-social pitbull terrier
Don’t follow me, I’m lost too
Don’t annoy me, I’m running out of places to hide the bodies

Rover

A man stopped a stranger in the street and said, “I’ve lost my dog, have you seen him? He’s a brown and white collie with a black patch over each eye.”

The stranger replied, “It’s no wonder he’s lost.”

Play the game!

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron
better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife :   Increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife :  Really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much pay rise do you want?”

Definitions

Mixed feelings: When you see your mother-in- law backing off a cliff in your new car.
A committee: A group of people that keep minutes and waste hours.
A diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
The height of conceit:  Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Macho: Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Heaven: A place full of everything that you got sent to hell for.
Blonde jokes: Jokes that are simple enough for men to understand.
Silverfish: A fish which is not quite as good as a goldfish.

Holy Piss!

A man went to the doctor with a very unusual problem. Instead of one hole in his penis, he had five and every time he went to the toilet, his pee went everywhere. The doctor examined him and was totally baffled as to how it had happened or what to do about it. He promised the man that he would investigate his problem and for him to come back the following day.

The next day the man returned to the doctor’s surgery and was greeted by the doctor who said that all his colleagues were also baffled by this previously unheard of condition.

However, one of them had come up with a possible solution. The doctor gave the man a piece of paper with a name and address on and confirmed that he had made an appointment for 4 pm that same day.

The man was delighted but naturally also very curious as to whom he would be seeing. “Is he a surgeon?” the man asked. “No”, replied the doctor, “he’s a piccolo player and he’s going to show you how to hold it”.

Three R’s

A recent survey by our local education authority into the three R’s has concluded that 20% of the pupils weakest subject was reading, with 40% of them it was writing and that the other 73% couldn’t add up.

Looking Good

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” she said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man that I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

British comedy at its best!

Did this really happen?